It has been a long while since I wrote a blog post--almost a year and a half, as a matter of fact-- and so much has changed in that period of time. I no longer attend Princeton Seminary, I haven't been to a church willingly since April 29, 2012, and my observations about the Kingdom seem to have changed from "idealistic" to "realistic." At first, I thought it was anger that I felt toward the Church and God, but the more and more I thought about it over this time, it is actually frustration that I feel within myself. Permit me to give a little background before I jump right into my main point.
Bursting my bubble. If you were an avid reader of this blog, you may recall several posts where I referred to being in a Christian bubble while at seminary. Well, my bubble was torn open May 2, 2012 when my grandmother passed away. Without going into great detail, the only people I felt genuine support and sorrow from were non-church going friends and my predominantly non-believing family members. Furthermore, the church handled the funeral in a very "money-seeking," "members-only" kind of way. I was unable to receive communion because of my un-affiliation with the Catholic church, and I was rebuked for not kneeling before entering the altar area... "This is holy ground, ya know!" They treated "different" as "dangerous," and this is when I realized I left the safety of seminary.
By the numbers. It was hard to pretend that I was alright after the passing of my grandmother. The circumstances following her death, PTSem's handling of my "time-off" from May term, and financial burdens were among key factors in my decision not to return to Princeton. Since that decision...
I have received ONE email from a pastor (a reply, actually).
I have been contacted ZERO times by my session; ZERO times from my session or presbytery liaison.
I answered THREE phone calls from a CPM secretary.
I replied to TWO emails inquiring about my return to PTSem ("yes" or "no," not "why" emails).
I received at least FIFTY facebook messages between two women from my church.
-One of these women does not even work or attend there anymore; the other I have always admired.
-ZERO messages, calls, or emails from everyone else.
Presbyterians have never rebuked me for standing on holy ground, but they have taught me to expect more in the way of hospitality, caring for others, and above all, love.
Spiritual Scars. I always wondered what it would feel like to have spiritual wounds. How badly would it hurt? Would it involve being angry and hating God? Would I feel bitter and resentful? Lost and broken? Would I come to no longer believe? I felt sad, lost, and frustrated... and maybe a little responsible and guilty. I used to think "If I didn't leave Princeton, maybe the church would not have turned its back on me..." I don't regret my decision to leave Princeton, but I do bear the spiritual scars from the consequences of that decision.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
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